Help me…help me

So, I went to this relationship forum tonight. The setting was nice, it was held at a reputable establishment…The Breakfast Klub. There was free food and light music playing. By the time I arrived, the place was comfortably crowded…with women. This in itself is an issue but we'll come back to that. The moderator for tonight's event was a middle-aged lady named Marilyn. She was very engaging and the setup was nice. She'd gone around the room asking this mostly, woman-filled crowd, relationship questions. Questions ranging from "what did you do in your last relationship that aided in it not working out" to "why won't men tell women they are looking for a 'playmate' instead of pretending they are interested in a relationship". Needless to say, it was a very interesting evening.

The problems I had are as follows: In a room specked with mostly women, it was the moderator's position to go around the room to ask the dozen men present (and I'm being generous, I think their number topped at ten) to give their advice on many of the questions answered. 1) Not all, but some, not most, but a lot of men, aren't honest. For the ones present, many of their significant others were in the room, so getting an honest answer…was like pulling teeth. Prime example: in a room full of women, when asked what guys thought of women who go to nightclubs scantly clad, every male (because she asked each and EVERY one) except one, frowned upon those women. She did not give the women a chance to respond to the question at all (and yes, my hand was up lol). My thing is…really? Is that really what you think when you see a women in a balloon-bottom dress and 4 inch eff-me pumps? Somehow I doubt that. But how DO you respond when the moderator has already shown her disdain "why would a woman dress that way, especially in winter time, blah, blah, blaaaah".

My position is…it's not cold inside the club. I personally talk about the man or woman who enters a nightclub in a Christmas sweater or mock turtleneck so yeah…be more appropriately dressed. Dockers and a pocket protector aren't exactly club attire. Now I do agree with one male who stated that it takes more effort to put on clothes, and to be sexy when you are fully clothed. No objection there, whatsoever. I think we have to realize that women dress how they want to dress. Not saying it's right or wrong. If men are to judge a woman based on what she has on, how is that any different from a woman judging a man by what kind of car he drives?

Speaking of judging, I did find it astounding that many people don't want to know about the "past" of the people they plan to get involved with. There were 2 of us, (myself and another guy) who stated we'd like to know. No credit to the guy…he just wanted to know in the event that he was dating the town slut, he could end it and ward off embarrassment. Others stated they didn't want to know because a person's past is essentially "irrelevant". I'd like to know, NOT to judge you, but I definitely think your past shapes you and has helped to make you who you are. In addition, if you have (had) the tendency to punch in walls and hit women with frying pans, that's just information I don't need to "stumble" into (literally). Plus it helps show what kind of growth you have made, and the real testament is whether I can deal with ALL of you, not just the pretty picture before me today. Everyone has a past, let's talk about it.

We also talked about black men not being allowed to be the "head of the household" because women were bringing home more money or because women were being too controlling. It was my expressed position that a woman making more money than a man shouldn't be emasculating because in the event that they moved toward marriage and agreed as such, their money would become one. In addition, a man's worth and sense of self should not come from his ability to take care of a person he did not birth. My opposition to his "manhood" comes when it involves running MY life. Being head of the household and dictator of my life are two different things (even God gives free will). I think that people are missing the point. We need to be solid people prior to going into a relationship, we should give just as much as we receive and it should be my pleasure and position to lift you up as a person and as my man. If this isn't happening, no amount of income, your ability to change the oil or take out the trash or discipline the kids won't matter…we have a bigger issue.

Finally, the moderator suggested that the next meeting be a panel of all men, in which women would sit back and only be able to ask questions and not give any feedback. Though I am not a feminist, I was definitely not in cahoots with this. It's wrong on SO many levels. One, the mere fact that you have more women in the room than men indicates men aren't too concerned about fixing the state of the "black relationship". Two, I'm tired of every self-help remedy being that a woman sits back and listens to what a man THINKS she should be doing. Three, unless you plan to put every man on that panel you will never have an accurate account of what men want or what women "should" do. They (and we) can only tell you how to be with them. Every man is different. We are not carbon copies. So, if the goal is to help [black] women do better in relationships deal with real issues that lead to breakups and divorce, such as insecurity, poor money management, extreme baggage, lack of reciprocity etc, in doing so, you help them, help themselves. That's all we really need…help me, help ME.

 

Blended Lies

"You act like it's my fault that the number is in your phone Stanley!" she yelled.

"You ain't have no business going through my phone" he reprimanded, snatching his phone out her hand. "You trippin about finding numbers you need to stay your nosey ass out my shit."

"WHAT!?" she yelled incredulously. Ok, this was it. She'd given him the opportunity to at least pretend he wasn't romantically involved with the trifling hussy whose nude photo had shown up on the screen when she'd called, but he wasn't even trying. "Why do I always have to show how crazy I am" she questioned before taking it there. Walking over, she towered over him as he looked up at her patronizing her with his eyes.

"He really thinks I won't do anything to him" she realized. Nodding her head at her own revelation, she reached over, covered his entire, smug face with her fingers and pushed his head aside. "Stay out of your shit?" she repeated. Curling her fingers into a fist she landed a hard one against his right eye. "Or what?! What are you gonna do if I don't?" she countered hitting him again, this time causing his face to swell.

"Bitch!" he yelled, hopping up from his seat, "you not finna sit here and hit me like I'm some got-damn child."

Walking over to him she forcefully slapped the Iphone out of his hand and onto the floor. Shaking his head in amazement at the turn for crazy his girlfriend had just made, he reached down to pick up the phone, almost grasping it before she hastily swooped in and yanked it from the ground. Racing down the stairs, slipping over several, she hurried toward the blender and dunked the phone in. With Stanley quick on her heels, she turned to face him with a mischievous grin on her face.

"I'm sorry" he yelled, never taking his eyes off his prized mechanical possession lying cater-corner in the blending device. "I never did nothing with her, I promise" he "confessed". "You right, I was wrong for taking her number, for talking to her, but baby I promise, I didn't ask for that picture of her" he offered, hoping she wouldn't ask how it came to be her Caller ID. "And I was in the process of breaking it off with her cause I love you, you know, and I was telling her that" he rambled, thinking quickly on his toes.

She waited, finger hovering over the 'crushed' option.

"You know I love you, this is all one big misunderstanding. You said you love me too, so why you doing me like this?!" he questioned, feigning hurt feelings, wiping away imaginary tears.

"Why?" she asked looking at him through angry eyes. "Because you're a no-good piece of shit liar!" she yelled livid. " I did say I loved you" she said shaking her head at her own stupidity, "but then I went to the doctor Stanley. And you know what he told me?" she asked awaiting his reply. "He told me that I was pregnant Stanley, notice I said 'was'. But I'd already known it. For four months I'd known I was pregnant, and I waited, and waited for the perfect time to tell you. But you with your bullshit and your lies, it was something every week. The twins from Vegas, the hoe from the hood, and now this bitch, with her exposed nipple piercings mocking me from your cell phone. I lost my baby stressing over you and you never had the decency to even notice I was pregnant" she scoffed. "Didn't have the decency to come up with a good lie, and now, you care more about a $200 phone than you do the 'love of your life'. I'm doing this to you cause you did it to me" she said pressing down on the button as the phone bounced up and down, shards of plastic flying recklessly in circles.

5 Star Chic (2)

Remember, all characters are fictional and resemblances to actual persons are merely coincidental. Meet Erin McCall.



Erin McCall



Hello, I'm Erin. Erin McCall, attorney at law. I don't like to brag...BUT if ever there were such a thing as a 5 Star Chic, I'd definitely be the definition. I'm a very driven person. 28 and I've got an undergraduate degree in English and a Juris Doctorate degree in Sports Law and have already made quite the name for myself as an Entertainment Lawyer. So much so, that I've been able to pay off my student loans, I have ZERO debt, just bought a new Range Rover Sport...cash, (which I finagled down by $10,000) and in 3 years I plan to pay off my half a million dollar house. While I'm tooting my own horn, let me also mention that I have scholarships named after me at both my high school and college alma maters. I take an exotic vacation yearly and I give back in my spare time, not to mention I've done it all on my own. See, growing up, no one expected a skinny little girl from Third Ward, Texas to graduate high school, graduate Suma Cum Laude from The University of Texas (Go Longhorns!) or matriculate through law school in the top 5% of my class. Ahh. Good ole' expectations. I don't live by them. Don't put me in a box, I've been known to break down many. It's only a matter of time before my current law firm, Sterling & Shepherd, becomes Sterling, Shepherd, and McCall. So when you look at me, I'm all woman. I don't have, want or need a man. They're expendable. Anything they can do, I can do better, and I do mean ANYTHING. :) I get them when I desire to, which isn't often. Now that's a 5 Star Chic.

5 Star Chic

All of the characters below are fictional. Any resemblances to actual persons are merely coincidental. Meet Bre'yon, journey with her as she explains why she's a 5 Star Chic.



Bre'yon Renee Jackson



The money, the cars, the clothes...I'm successful. Whether my suits are tailored-made or I decide to get them from Saks or Neimans, I stay fly from head to toe. What did Dorrough say? "Ice cream paint job" Yeah, I definitely got the Pink Satan candy paint on my new, 2010 Audi. Money is no limit. I know you thinking "Dammmmnnn, she doing it" well you ain't heard nothing yet. Those things are MINOR reasons my status is 5 star. I don't pay out of pocket. Fa nothin'. You hear me? Nothing. I'm a 5'8 yellowbone. Perfect 10. They tell me and I know it. I deal with ballers baby, and he ain't gotta play in the NFL or the NBA. I'll take Major League Baseball, the National Hockey League, he can be a doctor (high end of course), an architect, hell if he got a black card, he's balling and he alright with me. I don't even concentrate on body type, skin color, or none of that madness. All I see is green. Money talks everything else is sign language. The point is, if I can make money with NO "gainful employment", drive around in the finest cars and have the means to support myself, I'm a 5 Star Chic. Not bad for a chic that ain't even finished school huh?

Fatal Distractions pt. 1

A good friend and pastoral counselor of mine, spoke of this subject at church. Fatal Distractions. Now, of course when she talked about it, it was more biblically based. I think it was a good topic then and I think it still applies.

First, a fatal distraction is anything that keeps you from reaching your full potential. Today's fatal distraction is the "Comparison Factor". The Comparision Factor is when we look at other's and make comparisions. We may do this career-wise, in our relationships, or just in general.

It's so fatal because we lose focus. We also act based on our beliefs. If we believe that someone has it better or worse than we do, then we act accordingly. If we think someone's relationship is better than ours, we start trying to implement what they're doing into our situations. We have to remember that we are looking from the outside in. We don't know what people did to get what they have and we don't know what they have to do to keep it.

Everything is not for everybody. The "Comparison Factor" will have you all messed up because there is always someone who is doing better or worse than you are. ALWAYS. I heard an entertainer, Duece of The VX, say "there is no such thing as rock bottom", so no matter how bad your situation, it can always be worse or better.

The goal is not to compare. There are no two people that are the same. Humans are NOT carbon copies. We have similarities but are not the same. Because we're not the same, we shouldn't compare. There is no baseline. That's like comparing and apple and an orange just because they are both fruits and come in bags. They'll never be the same.

When you find yourself making comparisons, ask why you want what the other person has. If you genuinely want it for yourself, strive to have it because YOU want it not because you saw someone else with it. But above all, just look straight. Look ahead. Looking at another person does nothing for you. To be you, current and better, you need to stay focused on the most important factor....which is you and what you're trying to do. Looking to the side is a distraction. You don't look sideways when driving, so why would you look to the side when moving forward with your life?

Til Part 2... Be YOU!

New Year's Resolutions

Whether you're on the side that believes it is pointless to make a resolution or you're the one who makes them year in and year out, you're both right. If the idea is that NYR's are dumb because by February you either don't remember what it is, or are no longer committed to it... you're right. On the other hand if you feel it's a good idea to make goals and to attempt to be better than you were the year before...you're right. I've done both. I've made new year's resolutions to stop cursing...HA! "not yet" and I've just gone into a new year without. I think NYR's are fine as long as you're resolving to do better.

While me cutting back on my profanity is a good idea, a better idea, is for me to pray more. While me saving more is a great idea, a better idea is for me to TITHE more. Is it clearer now? My suggestion is to not resolve to be better just for yourself, help someone out in the process. We've gotta move from self to others. If you're a follower of Christ, at some point you've gotta push yourself to do more for and in him. Love God, love yourself and love others. That's the best resolution you can give. Only what we do for God will last.

Should friends date each other's exes?

I know in the black community, the answer is readily NO, Hell no, absolutely not, or any other variation thereof. Usually the reason is because yal are friends. Or maybe it's the idea that it's a little too close for comfort, especially if the break up was messy (ended in anger, heart break, etc). I can see that.

I guess my thoughts are, when you refuse to give up proprietorship how can you REALLY move on? And if you've moved on why should you really care? There are some other elements to this as well. 1. Why would I want to date a friend's ex? 2. What type of relationship do those two have? 3. How will/could this relationship effect my friendship? 4. How long should one wait before dating a friend's ex? 5. Should you converse with that friend (get permission or bring to their attention)? So, journey with me through these five elements.

1. Why would I want to date a friend's ex?

For a number of reasons. You could be or could have always been attracted to that person. You may find that you and that person have things about yourselves that work well together. Familiarity. There are plenty of reasons why one might want to. And it's not necessarily that you're thinking "this is my friend's ex" it may be more like "this person has all the characteristics I'm looking for in a mate ...BUT they're such-n-such's ex".

2.What type of relationship do those two have?

It matters. ESPECIALLY if you're trying to maintain both relationships. Now if you've decided the relationships are interchangeable (meaning you are only doing one: keeping the friendship OR dating the ex) then this may not matter to you. If you're dating the ex, the decision is made. So, their relationship matters because it determines how you dating this ex is going to make your friend feel. I think people would be much more likely to let a friend date an ex, if the relationship ended amicably; nobody's feelings were hurt, there was no bloodshed, broken tail-lights, scratched up vehicles etc or even if all those things happened, if they somehow moved to a place where they'd forgiven one another and are civil. They don't have to be best friends, but your dating the ex won't bring up any bad feelings. If your friend goes from 0-10 when 'ex's' name is brought up...s/he is not in a place to be okay with you dating their ex. It's obvious. Now if there's maturity and healing present s/he may have no issues with the situation. Like I said, if it's your intention to maintain both relationships, it's pertinent that you examine how the two deal with each other (collectively, individually).

3. How will/could this relationship effect my friendship?

Remember, this is only for those trying to maintain both relationships. How will dating your friend's ex effect yal's relationship, really all depends on point 2. I will say that even if they are completely over their ex, there will probably be certain things you all just can't talk about...sex life is probably gonna be one of those things, lol something about that is just in the 'off-limits' category. Now if friend is not over the ex, then your friendship doesn't exist. This is where "s/he's so trifling" "I can't believe s/he did this to me" comes in. Like I said, if they still feel like they have the rights to this person, or they haven't gotten over the fact that 'Ex' cheated or lied or moved on, then they damn sure won't want to see the two of you working out. That effects both of you, because friendship just isn't friendship if you don't want to see the other person happy, no conditions. Also, if they are one of the many people set on "friends don't date each other's exes" then the same applies.

4. How long should one wait before dating a friend's ex?

This is important because you definitely don't want to move too soon. It kinda gives that 'you were just waiting for us to break up' feel and you can pretty much kiss that friendship goodbye. In addition, their ability to move on is important and for the purposes of maintaining friendship you don't want to become part of the recovery. Meaning you don't want you friend to have to get over whatever reason s/he and their ex broke up AND get over the fact that 'friend' jumped right in and started dating 'Ex'. This will essentially be wrapped up in point 5.

5. Should you converse with that friend (get permission or bring to their attention)?

I think you should. Now I don't think you should get "permission" per se, you're grown or your own person so you can do WHATEVER you want. I think you should bring it to their attention, cause trust, someone else is. Not to mention being upfront about it, takes away the 'backhandedness' that is usually associated with this entire idea. Plus, that's how you find out about points 2 and 3. Plus it gives you a clear idea about what your friendship is going to be like. The worse thing you can do is assume that your friend is not going to be okay with it, because if you chose to move into that relationship anyway then you're giving up the friendship when it may not have been necessary. And you don't want to assume they will be fine with it because if they are not, oh buddy... I think there's a certain maturity in talking about it, it shows that there is no malice aforethought. Basically, you think this relationship would be good for you and you're not trying to ruin a friendship in the process. You're saying, to you, there's a difference, your friendship and relationship are two separate entities and both are important to you. Once again, the news will get back to your friend, so it's better if you've already briefed him or her, so that the 'news' is well received.

Things to know:

It's going to be pretty hard for your relationship to establish it's own identity, especially around the people who know all three of you.

It doesn't have to be a big deal, especially if as the friend you're over your ex, and as the other friend you've been honest and upfront.

As for me:

Would I date a friend's ex? Probably not. Especially someone they've dated seriously or someone who's done them wrong. It's a loyalty thing. Note: sometimes loyalty can be taken too far.

However, I feel that God connects us all for a reason: not for me to hold proprietorship on God's creation: (that person does NOT belong to me) but that we can get what we need. I've gotten what I needed from my old relationships so they're up for grabs. I think we're all looking for the same things (happiness, love, companionship, etc) so if you can or have found it in a person that I was unable to find it in...congratulations, that's what it's about.

Your thoughts?